Street Talk: Fools Tools?
Maybe so, but somebody oughta do it anyway...
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After working the “fest circuit” this past summer, the mind got
to wandering in a new direction: conceiving audio products that
the manufacturers should definitely get working on. And forget those
focus groups and bingo card surveys! The ideas for these products
come straight from the trenches, from someone who walks the walk,
talks the talk and sounds the check. (Or, reverse that last one...)
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Stage manager doll. For those gigs where the promoter hasn’t the
experience to know the importance of providing someone to fill the “key”
stage manager position. The doll would be life sized, inflatable, and
outfitted with a voice chip programmed to play back such well-honed phrases
as “soundcheck’s over, get off the stage,” “the weather is coming in,
get off the stage,” “show’s over, get off the stage” and the ever-useful
“get off the stage.”
Two sizes: XXX large and XXXX large
Product consultant: Jolly Roger
After market items: Specialized voice chips for parallel markets.
Example - Hollywood lighting director doll that screams “we’re losing
our light, people!”
Ergonomic rap grip microphone. Seems like all rap artists just
want to be baseball pitchers, judging by the way they hold the mic. To
avoid the ever-present ambulance chasing lawyers (asbestos, tobacco, burgers
& fries), a special ergonomic mic grip could be retrofit on vocal mics,
expressly to eliminate the potential of carpal tunnel syndrome.
Consultant: Hammer (He’s not very busy these days.)
After-market item: Fashion print versions to match the times -
camouflage, glitter, leather, and by all means, don’t forget designer
versions from Dolce and Gabanna!
Wireless gel pack. A flexible, shapeable wireless transmitter that
can be formed to the performer’s body. Avoids the common problem of “nowhere
to put the belt pack on my sexy skin tight costume.” Also can be “marketed”
as body enhancer - for guys, wear it under the front of your pants; for
ladies, stick it in the chest region under your shirts.
Consultants: Derek Smalls of Spinal Tap, and Lil’ Kim (Now there’s
a combo!)
Whine canceling headphones. To be worn onstage or at front of house
when the headliner’s crew shows up. Feed samples of voices and phrases
from these individuals into the headphone send, out of phase, for total
vocal cancellation. Comes with CD loaded with several of the most often-heard
phrases for demo purposes: “this gig should have had a PM1D,” “100,000
watts just isn’t enough for this family fest” and “this stage is too small”.
Consultant: Tim Swan of Gand Concert Sound
After market item: Selection of CDs with out-of-phase samples of
lighting personnel, production manager. And, CD with in-phase phrases
for audio personnel, including “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and
darn it, people like me!”
Leslie-style equipment rack. A 24-space shock rack built into a
Hammond B3/Leslie cabinet for the band’s 48-channel Pro Tools rig and
MIDI modules that emulate all of the sounds used on “the album”. A noisy
rotor fan should be included to give the impression of a mechanical Leslie
humming and whirring onstage.
Consultant: Keith Emerson
After market item: “Plug ins” to simulate random “problems” with
the Leslie in order to keep crew busy chasing down buzzes, intermittent
connections and rattling tubes.
Attitude meter. Similar in appearance and operation to the Radio
Shack SPL meter, it would offer both A- and C-weighting, plus a new setting:
CA-weighting (CA = crew attitude). Take readings at various times to get
better insight on what’s really going on. For example, when the crew shows
up, readings could be “no sleep,” “wired,” or “out on bail.” During soundcheck,
readings include “deaf,” “wasted” and “Bob Clearmountain wannabe.” And
during a show, readings such as “PA’s too small,” “120 dB is never enough,”
and “only 27 more dates” would be registered.
Consultant: David Spade
After market item: Meter to detect presence of drunk audience members
who like to wander up to FOH asking “how many watts in them speakers?”
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Rubber mullet. Face it, we’re getting old. That scraggly
ponytail just isn’t the chick (or dude) magnet it used to be. Plus,
we’ve all taken a few too many knocks to the noggin. The rubber
mullet is a piece of head gear that keeps you cool (in terms of
both temperature and looks), protects your brain (how many more
low-slung FOH tents or truck doors can your skull smack?) and provides
the confidence needed to handle your daily chores. Available in
several colors, including day-glo red for the Thompson Twins reunion
tour. |
Looks like our friend Harry got a bit too much sun this fest season, although we hear he’s already re-upped for another tour of duty next year, in part to beta-test the rubber mullet.
October 2003 Live Sound International